Yes, write it down. Hearing it from long long time but every time I wrote down something about my personal life, it was all about the sorrow, tears, the unfulfilled expectations, the wrong perceptions etc. etc. all the negativity of life. Yes, I wrote it down, tear it – NO – forgive but don’t forget. It helps, yes I have come a long way out of those deep negative valleys, but fear manifests when you want to write your dreams, ambitions, something about future, the mountains you want to climb. Maybe am not ready to believe that just as writing the negativity helped wash it out, writing about my wishes, dreams, ambitions, goals will help fulfill them. Yes, mentally churning in the ocean of thoughts.
Last two days I am trying to list out the things I would like to do in future, but somehow couldn’t go beyond a few line, jotting out in an official list like format. It was like a punishment of thinking what means do I need to achieve these goals, fulfill the dreams, and oh God I was thinking of all the material benefits of the world. Everything is related to money, and yes demonetization makes the thoughts dearer. First it is all about what kind a home I would like to build with all the luxuries and facilities, the four wheels I would like to be driven around in, the lifestyle that I can give to my daughter, travelling to international destinations annually, buying diamonds, etc. Obviously next are the means to achieve all these – oh my – do I really want to run after these things?
My near and dear ones are aware of my personal front, and some of them are like – yes, show it to the world that you are capable of doing much better single handedly, move ahead in life, and acquire wealth and status. Recently, during Diwali, I had this same advice coming from an elderly relative, almost 90 years old, and yes at that moment I felt passionate about it, go for it girl, you can do it….
What do I really want in life? Can I answer my question honestly and sincerely to myself? What is the most important thing in life? My life, be precise. Yes, be selfish and answer honestly.
Feeling blessed with a beautiful daughter and my delicate darling mother, their smiles, and the special bond I share with them, blessed and gratitude to God. Daily viewing the beauty of nature, the chirping of the birds, rustling of dry leaves, seeing the tender buds and new leaves, the joy of touching an old familiar book, the smile on the face of a dirty child on the roadside, the astonishment on the face of a stranger when I give her a broad smile during my morning walks, SOS group tea, chatting and laughing on social media, the innumerable free of cost pleasures of life. But still something is amiss. Give happiness be happy, feel the whole universe as one….
And honestly, the honesty and sincerity flee at this point of time… the fear raises its head, the fear of being vulnerable, the guards are on duty, showing you a mirror from within, raising doubts about own self, don’t you dare, how dare you? But dare I must, to grow, to kill my own fears and not show to the outside world, but give satisfaction to my own self. Yes, achieve all the material goals, work hard, not forgetting the small pleasures, fill the cracks of what is missing, believe that I am worthy of all the bounty life has to offer. Heal the broken heart, gather the broken pieces, heal the soul, smile and be grateful. And never ever forget anyone who willing walks along in this journey of mine, helping me or just being there.
Dreams, yes, earn handsomely, work harder and harder, network, shun non productive and negative things, get a four wheeler and take the SOS girls on a road trip. Don’t forget to visit Europe. And one more wish, yes blurt it out…. Can’t be fulfilled in this life… oh…keep it to myself….